I have spent all year in silence. Lost in my head and my life...immersed in my creative projects and in the folds of my big ideas, with their big "to do lists" trailing behind. I am leaping into a new position at work, growing my voiceover business, co-writing a script for a tv pilot, coaching clients in recovery, and figuring the next steps on my online video course. While planning my son's next big adventure, and figuring out my "next chapter". Phew.
This year is such a BIG year. The world as I know it will change in 4 months when my son finishes high school and moves on into adulting. I will become an "empty nester" soon. And while maybe some parents think this is a great thing, I am a bit terrified. Ok, a lot terrified. I am also the one devising the plan for him to move to Paris (yes, that cool city ACROSS A HUGE OCEAN) for a year, starting in August. I am the one dreaming big with him and pedaling hard to make it happen. While silently wanting to curl up into fetal position and thinking I wont be able to breathe when he's not in the house with me. As a single mom from the start, this kid and I have been each other's everything. Imagining myself coming home to an empty house is almost paralyzing.
Which is why... I am here. Here, today, in the Arizona lands, doing some hard work on self. Preparing for my future. Changing the story in my head. Asking the big questions. The hard questions. And a part of me does not want to be here. A part of me wants to keep my head under a blanket and continue navigating silently through the next few months. A part of me wants to hide in my comfort zone, where its warm and I can curl up with my son and eat coconut ice-cream in bed.
But I can't. I won't. I am making the bold choice to live a big and connected life. This week, I took 4 days off my crazy busy life to work on my present and my future. I have worked so hard on healing the past, that I feel I am good with that one. But the present escapes me, and the future scares me. So here I am. Doing 4 days of Brendon Bouchard's High Performance Academy. Here because two of my mentors (and favorite people) invited me. People who love me and believe enough in me to invest in me. People who call me on my bullshit and challenge me when I make myself small. People who shake me when I sit in silence in a corner. Who remind me that I have a lot to say. People who see parts of me I sometimes cannot see (thank you L + K - I love you).
Today I finished day ONE of the Academy. I noticed the serenity of my heart when we talked about our past. The honesty of accepting that even with all my busy days, I still feel a lack of achievement and success in my present. And the fragile line I am walking when it comes to the big changes in my near future.
I don't know why I am here exactly, but I am certain that there is SOMETHING BIG for me here. I KNOW it, I feel it in my bones. Just as I feel a tremendous gratitude for these beautiful adventures that would have never been available if it were not for my sobriety...and the amazing mentors in my life. Its hard to say YES when someone offers you a chance to leap outside of your comfort zone; but growth cannot be found anywhere that is nice and comfortable. It is outside.
So here I go. Saying YES to the unknowns. To the BIG things. To the PEOPLE who believe in me. To the HARD questions. To the SCARY shit. To be done with the BULLSHIT. YES to MY LIFE.