When I started my recovery journey in 2009, I thought sobriety was only about “not drinking.” I had no idea sobriety would become the avenue through which I would become human again, and find the way back “home” to my own heart.
In the depths of my addiction, I felt like the world outside made no sense, and no part of the world INSIDE made sense, either. I did not, in any way, feel like a whole human being.
My mind wanted one thing, my body craved another. I felt the pain of my million pieces stabbing me every morning I got out of bed, and the only way I would temporarily feel whole was when I drank. It’s not that I was made whole, mind you. I was just tapping out of the pain for a bit of time. When the effect of booze wore off, I would feel more fragmented than before.
My soul was broken in a million pieces; fragments of a vase, shattered. In one word: I felt like I had no container to house my heart. I was emotionally homeless.
If your life has been hijacked by addiction, you may be familiar with this feeling.
You lovingly pick each one up and start piecing them back together.
When you do this, you INTEGRATE your parts - the mind, the body, the soul. You piece the vase back together, with gold-flecked glue
Being in integrity means you stop fighting your own self. Being in integrity is the result of daily work.
Every day, there is a piece to be picked up and glued. Nurtured.
I am 11 years into this deal. There have been ups and downs, yes. What I can say is that the biggest gift that recovery has given me is trusting myself again. Being in wholeness with my soul. With my mind. With my body. Acting as one cohesive, emotionally mature, serene, WHOLE human. That is what recovery is.